Are you willing to fully open yourself up to love and express love?
Are there limits to your capacity to love or do you feel like your heart is capable of holding, absorbing, expressing and sharing endless amounts of love and joy?
Are you willing to let it all in, no matter how much fear or resistance shows up?
Can you let yourself feel it…no matter how “out of control” it seems, no matter how much you’ve been hurt before?
This year has been powerful in terms of my own personal capacity for love.
I am still processing all that has occurred since early spring.
I am blown away as I recall the dreams and desires I put forth this past December and January and how quickly and magically I’ve manifested these desires in this year of the wood horse.
That, in itself, is so wonderful. Manifestation is real. Visioning is powerful.
But what I did not anticipate was the amount of love I would be able to experience and hold in my body and spirit as I moved forward.
I called for an abundance of support and love from the dance and drum community. It brings me to my knees when I truly feel into the love I have experienced over the past several months.
Last week while I was attending my beloved Camp Fareta in the Sierra Mountains I experienced a lot of uncomfortable and intense feelings…especially at night as I lay in my tent before falling to sleep.
I felt confused, overwhelmed, raw, and alone.
How could this be possible? My dreams were and are coming true.
I felt profound connections with my dancers and the musicians this Summer Solstice season.
I experienced another level of connection and love for drumming during our teacher Moussa Traore’s stay in Santa Barbara and at Camp Fareta.
I have made connections with women in other communities and am sharing music and dance with a greater audience.I am co-creating and collaborating with more folks who truly inspire me.
I feel more supported. I feel more on track. I feel more organized. I feel my heart spread wide open. I feel a stronger connection to others.
And sometimes it scares the shit out of me. And sometimes it hurts.
Thus…the confusion, overwhelm, rawness, and loneliness. At one point in my little tent, I had an “a ha”.
I realize that I am being cracked open. My cells are reorganizing themselves.
The layers of resistance and “protection” that I have built up for all these years continues to crumble down and melt into mother earth. I am simply feeling more.
The tears flow more easily… in unexpected places and at times when I would usually suppress them.
I’m letting them flow. I am hugging more. I am speaking my truth. I am looking deeper into people’s eyes.
I am loving for the sake of loving…not to get anything out of the other person or expect them to feel the same way about me.
I am being with all of the feelings and I am allowing myself to be loved and to love. No matter how scary or how unfamiliar or how exposed and vulnerable I feel.
I am letting it in.
My capacity to love and be loved is limitless and eternal.
And the more I express my gratitude (in prayer, meditation, writing, teaching, sharing with friends) the greater my capacity for love and joy becomes.
Even when it’s hard, and even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it. It’s these moments in life that demand we show up – that we let go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embrace who we really are. ~ Brené Brown