“Family”= the people who light you up inside.
“Home” = the place where you feel most at ease and free
If we do not feel at home with ourselves we will never feel at home in the world.
Be willing to get uncomfortable. Get quiet. Feel it all and then move forward.
For many years I nested and enjoyed creating a home sanctuary. I nestled into the earth and grew many roots. I watered and nurtured my home, family, community and students.
Then one day, an energy started to grow within me. It was pulling me somewhere. I found myself feeling anxious and restless. I traveled across the globe and realized that I needed to pull my roots up and fly free.
While it has been a magical and wondrous journey beyond my wildest dreams…heaviness, longing, grief and doubt are all feelings that accompany me on my journey as well. They show up to remind me that they are there to check in and make sure this is what I truly want. When I go into my heart, she says “Keep going, girl! You’ve only just begun.”
Where is your home? Is it your country? Your state? City? Your house? Your family? If you are a gypsy like me, are you on the constant search for home, or do you feel at home wherever you go? What is home to you?
One week ago, I returned to CA from an epic 7-month journey abroad to India and Greece. While I struggled from time to time with feeling lonely, misplaced, disconnected, the majority of the journey was about discovering home.
That feeling of comfort. Ease. Nurturing. It is actually a feeling we are after when we think about home.
The longer I live this life of adventure and travel, living out of suitcases and living in hotels and guest houses, I realize I have a choice. Every day. To find home. Within.
This life is temporary. This body is temporary. Our physical homes? Temporary.
So I ask you again…where is home?
It’s internal. Whether you are a wandering gypsy or a home-body, you most likely have experienced a feeling of not belonging. Perhaps you don’t even feel at home in your body. Perhaps you have felt like an alien on this planet at times. Especially nowadays. Perhaps you have looked at the people around you, your family even, and thought “how did I get here?”
This disconnect is an internal one.
It became so clear to me each time I was about to journey on to the next destination. It was a feeling that I recognized. When something was about to shift or change I noticed the butterflies in my stomach and the lightness and swirling in my head. I was ungrounded. Disconnected. I questioned my choices. I questioned my abilities and my worthiness. I would ask “where do I belong?”
I’ve experienced this feeling so often (when I am about to try something new, perform in front of a new audience, quit a job, take a new job, decide to work for myself, etc), I’m surprised I don’t realize how natural it is to feel like I don’t belong and to feel that disconnect. It’s natural and it’s no big deal. Really.
A natural process
One of the biggest gifts of this journey is the amount of time I get to spend alone. I get to notice the disconnection and I get to choose to freak out or to breathe into it all and accept that I am going through a natural process of change. I do not have control of what is to come. I don’t know why I’ve chosen this particular path, but I accept the uncomfortableness and I surrender into the great mystery of life.
So now, when I’m feeling anxious and freaked out, I tell myself to relax and that it’s natural. That this too shall pass.
Feel into It
The uncomfortable feelings will soon give rise to other kinds of feelings. Excitement. Joy. Exhilaration. New experiences and new ways of being. New places and new faces.
So where do we “fit in” these new places? We may never fit in. We may never ever feel at home in a place or with a particular group of people for extended periods of time.
Why? Because we are looking outside. This is not where our home resides. The outside changes and morphs and reacts. If we spend more time getting quiet and going within, we feel into the most loving home that there is.
I’ll meet you there.