In one week I leave India for the fourth time. This has been my longest journey abroad and my longest stint in this complex, beautiful and paradoxical place.
In this moment I feel like I’m floating in an in-between space.
It’s a mix of excitement, loneliness, fear, and worry.
I don’t know where I belong or where home is.
Yet, at the same time, I feel love, support, and adoration from all around the world.
I feel like my web of connection has grown and expanded. I feel like I can go anywhere and do anything.
When I am getting ready to leave a place I feel the grief and mourning process start to seep into my cells and bones. I feel the longing and sadness start to weigh on me.
At the same time…I feel ready to move into the next phase.
I feel excited to create new things and be surrounded by new and familiar experiences, sights, sounds. I feel ready to see faces I haven’t seen in a long time. To hug hug HUG so big – my family and friends.
We know that this is a constant…but it scares us, creeps up on us, blasts our hearts and minds open, and promises to keep coming.
In the past year it seems I have experienced and witnessed more change in my own life and the lives of those I love.
Some of the changes have been incredibly challenging and some liberating.
If we allow our fear of change and transition to become shackles or heavy weights that keep us from moving forward, we stifle our growth and upward movement.
Keep going. Breathe.
We come into this world alone and we leave this world alone. Our spiritual journey is only for us. Our expansion and growth is only for us. As individuals.
Yet I remember that we are connected to the great mystery – the great love – the light that created this life and continues to pulse through our veins.
And we get to share in this life together, with others. Friends. Lovers. Family. We are never truly alone.
As a mostly solo traveler, I simultaneously revel in my alone time and feel like a scared little mouse.
So many people tell me how brave and inspiring I am. If they only knew the second thoughts, the doubts, the cluelessness that I sometimes feel.
Again. Keep going. Breathe.
On following your bliss.
And while I continue to float into this unknown space, there is a knowing that I am being guided and that all is well.
The one thing that remains, no matter the doubts, worries or fears, is that my heart is my compass.
She leads me and guides me. She has taken me to the highest highs…
Just a few of these highs…
- Learning epic choreographies and moving through blocks, resistance, and feelings of not being good enough, strong enough, young enough, blah blah blah. Experiencing incredible growth as a dancer and performer after squeezing every last drop out of me!
- Being on stage dancing with my teacher in our beloved Krishna Temple.
- Performing Rajasthani and Indian Fusion Belly Dance with my teacher and fellow student at a lovely wedding, dressed like a Maharani
- Being honored by my teachers for my dedication and support of my school and receiving my 250 hour certificate for Odissi Dance.
- Sitting in the center of a group of master musicians, just doing what they love (while my mind is being blown).
- Sitting atop a camel named “Al Pacino” in the Thar desert, sharing India with wonderful women.
- Being surrounded by so much love, so much art, so much hard work and dedication.
- The cows. These beautiful beings that give so much to her people. Being around them has been such a great blessing in my life.
Most importantly, I have experienced my heart expand to levels that I could not comprehend before. Just when I think I will be crushed by the weight (of love, longing, hope, desire, connection, revelation, etc), my heart shows me how her capacity to hold all of it is infinite. That love itself is infinite.
Then I feel lighter and more free.
And while I continue to experience doubt, fear, worry, guilt (a lot of it), I say LISTEN TO HER.
Listen to your heart. She sings the songs of your soul. Follow her lead. Even when you have no idea of where you are going. Or why.
You follow your bliss when you follow your heart.
It’s not an easy path. But it is one that leads you back home to your truth.
I am in awe of all that has been revealed to me in this motherland. But I’m ready for what’s next.
My next journey takes me to Athens and Crete, Greece, where I will swim in the ocean, eat fresh veggies and feta cheese, and study with my beloved dance teacher again. I will immerse myself even more in Odissi Classical Indian dance with the amazing Colleena Shakti. She brought me to India and I continue to follow her to new places and grow as a dancer and person.
I return to the United States in late June and look forward to sharing much inspiration and insight through dance, music, stories, and fashion. I will be creating beautiful new content in dance (live and via the world wide web). I will be bringing beautiful textiles, jewelry, bags, dresses and cannot wait to adorn my people! I will be performing more and producing fabulous music and dance programs.
I look forward to connecting more with you.
Thanks for reading,