“Sometimes, Grace throws you and your ‘world’ into the washing machine, full spin, so that the fearful and controlling tendency is compelled to offer itself to the Totality—to the will and dance of the Cosmos.”
Purpose and passion filled my being this past July upon my return from 7 months abroad. So much excitement, so much gratitude, so many plans, so much work to do and joy to share. I was totally, completely filled up. So excited for new projects, collaborations and plans to take shape and move forward. To work hard and share and then back to my gypsy travel life.
As the months went on, I felt a contraction and heaviness settle into my being. A wave of new energy – transformational energy began to seep in and things slowly fell apart here and there and here and there. Lots of promises and anticipation and then lots of disappointment and last minute changes.
More and more things shifted unexpectedly as time went on. Some things were small and no big deal, some things were game changers.
Anxiety welled up in my gut and it would wake me up at 6 a.m. every morning and I felt like my solar plexus was inflamed. I suddenly felt extremely insecure, doubtful, and fearful. Like a total failure. Like all of my dreams were crashing down. Personal and professional disappointments. A lot of letting go.
I spoke with many close girlfriends who were also (and continue to be) going through major shifts and transitions. Relationships ending. Businesses failing. Unexpected deaths in the family. Thank God I wasn’t alone.
But I did feel alone. I didn’t understand how things could go so sour so quickly and I started to question everything about myself.
I began to reach out more and more as I felt like I was free falling and grasping for hands around me, to catch me and hold me and save me.
And while my support system has strengthened tremendously and I have felt more supported than I ever have in my life, I realize that this is MY path to take. No one can go through this for me or with me. This is my work.
At times it is very lonely and isolating, especially since my current path has me traveling solo all over the place. Most of the time now, I remember why I am going through this time and I feel myself being rebirthed and renewed. Energy is building and I have found my footing again. And some days I feel like staying in bed and crying. And some days I feel like I’m more connected to myself and the divine than ever before.
One thing I do know. A part of me has died.
I let go of the old Lisa who held so many expectations and attachments. I let go of the girl and woman who found her worth in compliments and successes and triumphs. I let go of the need to control, predict, proclaim, possess, grasp, or really make any firm plans. I am ready for everything and anything. I have no idea what’s ahead. Do any of us?
“Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.” ~ John Lennon
The person being born again is surrendered, slowed down, less forceful, more present and less attached. Humbled. As I am just a few days from departing the United States, I get asked all the time about my plans.
“How long will you be gone this time? What will you do when you return? When will you return? Are you going to Greece again? Are you coming back?”
I actually don’t have an answer to any of these questions. I do know that I’m going to India on a one-way ticket but I no longer wish to proclaim anything anymore. My life has shifted and things have turned corners so quickly that I have nothing to predict or state in terms of my future. This is where I’m at now. Present moment focus. Present moment now.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
It’s really all we have and all that we are to do. Be present. Surrender into the present moment and just be. Easier said than done. Not my usual way of things.
What is dying within you right now and what is being born? So many of us are going through so many transformations and rebirths and it helps to know that we are not alone.
When it feels like your world is being thrown into the washing machine, I advise 3 things:
Reach out. Get help. Be vulnerable. Share your sadness and surround yourself with people who love you and can hold space for you. Get professional help if you need to. I did. It was a game changer for me. I’ve never felt so supported.
Move. The body needs to move. As you walk, run, dance, bike, swim, we move the stagnant and stuck energy. Sometimes it takes a helluva lot of willpower to do so. Just do it.
Let time pass. Feel every feeling, emotion, and bit of resistance. Just feel all of it and know that with each passing day it will get better. If it doesn’t and you are stuck in the pain too long, start over at number one. Surrender into the knowing that this too, shall pass.