This is a raw and vulnerable share… because I don’t believe in only painting pretty pictures. I believe in sharing stories and reflections and ideas… and perhaps some of you can relate. Please comment or reply to me directly at email@example.com if you would like to reflect or share back.
…kicked my butt.
Brought me to my knees.
Broke my heart wide open.
Woke me the HELL up.
Shook my world…
I lost count of the amount of nights I cried myself to sleep.
I isolated. Cocooned. Went deep into the cave.
I felt extremely lonely and confused many, many days and nights.
But I didn’t know where else to go. I didn’t want to be anywhere.
I added more wrinkles to my face and more kilos to my frame.
I slept an average of 9 hours per night. I spent SO much time on “screens” and less time in books or in real-life-in-the-flesh-conversations.
My hormones felt (and continue to feel) like they were/are on a rollercoaster ride.
I reflected on old wounds that came up in many painful ways…
Dear friendships dissolved in front of my eyes.
I saw more mirrors (mostly cracked ones) being held up to my face than ever before.
In so many circumstances I saw my shadows being reflected. Triggers pointed right back to me… in many different angles and directions.
I felt like there was no one I could trust anymore.
I couldn’t sweep any of it under the rug anymore.
I couldn’t bury any of it.
It was all brought up to the surface and I was given a magnifying glass.
Love flooded in all of the cracks and spaces.
I realized that the longing that I felt inside could only be remedied by ME.
I realized that the illusory “hole” that existed within me was of my own creation and could only be filled up by ME. Without shaming and criticizing myself, I took full responsibility… and treated myself like a child who needed to be reassured and reminded, coddled, adored and truly cared for. I needed this from me. The tears came again.
I meditated more, journaled more, shared with friends and family more, slowed down more, simplified more, embodied compassion and forgiveness SO MUCH MORE than ever before. I got more massages and took care of myself better than ever. I rested a lot.
I was more honest with myself and others.
I reached out and received help (spiritually, emotionally, psychologically).
With a deep breath, I now can say that I completely trust myself.
I know what I need. I don’t always remember and sometimes I again project and want to be rescued, but…
I am moving towards being my number 1 fan and supporter.
I am practicing presence, patience…. And releasing old stories/habits/thoughts on a daily basis.
I am shedding, shedding, shedding…
I can joyfully say that I don’t associate with or resonate with one side or another.
I’m not red or blue, right or left, liberal or conservative.
I release all bullshit labels and I’m not anti-this-or-that.
I believe in LOVE. I believe in GRACE. I believe in FREEDOM. I stand for HONESTY. I stand for SOVEREIGNTY. I stand for the ONE (source, creator, universe, love, whatever you want to call it).
I believe that we are extremely lucky to occupy these human forms and we have a responsibility to the world to shed and release, heal and forgive over and over again until we are truly FREE… RIGHT NOW… so that we can better serve each other and co-create a better world. Empty yourself and surrender it all… in the name of LOVE.
And NOW… on the last day of 2021… after so many tears, realizations and clarity… I know that humans need one another. We need family. Community. We need to share. Support one another. Hold each other up and cheer each other on…
But that is not where it begins.
FIRST we are to find it, cultivate and embody it within…
…and then notice the overwhelming abundance of love, beauty, support… through many faces and helpful hands and manifestations… that shows up in endless ways… adding to our already full cup and open heart.
May it be so.
It is so.
And so it is.
Happy New Year.